Enough.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30am. I made my breakfast and my coffee and a little after 7:00am I headed out the door for a planned 3.5 hour workout on my bike and in my running shoes. I was hesitant at first, since that's a long time to be alone with just my thoughts, but soon after I started pedaling, I fell into a rhythm. That rhythm carried me through nearly 15 miles, until the weight of my priority imbalance started weighing on me so heavily, I couldn't help but stop. Even though I had no planned meetings until later in the afternoon, I did have a project that required my attention and serious contribution waiting for me whenever I made it home. I felt so guilty about putting my training before my work that I stopped on the trail to check my email, to let my partner know I'd work on my part as soon as I got a chance...only to find out he had already done a significant portion of the work. And, with the final nail in the guilt coffin, I sped home 2 hours and 15 minutes early to work on that project (plus two others) for literally the rest of the day.

Every day I wake up convincing myself I can do it all, that I can be Super Woman, that I can meet my endless deadlines and train for a half Ironman and take care of my family and my home and still have time to relax with yoga and a book before peacefully falling asleep before 10pm. And every single day, I fall short. If my dog gets an extra walk, laundry doesn't get put away. If I have a lab report due later in the day, my workout gets cut short. I can spend an hour reading for pleasure, but I feel guilty that I didn't spend it working on an assignment. Add to that the fact that I'm the sole charge of myself and my 5 animals this week and it's a damn miracle I even made it to the grocery store this week (though I still ordered Chinese for dinner last night because actually cooking the food I bought was just too tall an order).

My biggest focus right now is, admittedly, this 70.3 mile feat of physical endurance I've courageously stupidly decidedly agreed to attempt. It will surely be unlike anything I've ever done and, as such, my life right now does not resemble anything I've ever done before. I've been training for a solid 3 months now and, with race day just a month away, I still don't feel like I've done enough. I rode 50 miles this weekend, a huge accomplishment for me, but it wasn't fast enough. I didn't get to it soon enough in my training plan. Not enough, not enough, not enough. Never enough.

I struggle with balance because I can never seem to get the ratios right, to figure out where enough is enough. The truth is: nothing ever feels like enough unless I give it my all. The problem is: it's not possible to give my all to everything.

And even though I don't feel like I've done enough to be a half Ironman next month, I'm already mentally planning Ironman Chattanooga 2016. So, there's that.